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Since I am on a vent (tube stuck through neck into trachea, below vocal cords) and can no longer talk, I must throw my voice to another object. I therefore create a new word describing this amazing feat:


This makes me and other similarly entubed PALS (along with our brothers and sisters in high cervical injury) Venterloquists. This is not to be confused with Ventriloquism which involves the creepy practice of people with Dissociative Identity Disorder manually sodomizing puppets for the purpose of entertainment. Venterloquism involves any of several methods of overcoming a cruel obstacle to communication.

Methods include the rudimentary Eyebrow Arch (induce your meatpuppet to say “yes” or “no”), The Ouiji (make your proxy point out letters and phrases on a board), and my personal favorite, The Hawking (making your words emanate from a nearby computer). Advanced and prepared Venterloquists can even use The Hawking to produce their actual voice for certain phrases!

Venterloquism is a growing skill set among a diverse population of participants. Please support your local Venterloquist!

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